Image by Sasha Freemind via Unsplashed
The death of singer and musician Chris Cornell stirred up my grief around my brother in a big way. It’s beginning to ebb, but that only happened when I untangled some of the threads that his death brought to light. Read more about it here.
I lost my sister, so sudden. She came to visit me a week before she died… sometimes I wonder why, was it a gift. Did she know. She died running by her house. She was alone. I panicked and thought I needed to do everything, I did her hair and makeup for 3 hours, I did her ulogy and collected her things and sold her car… all that to feel lost even more. I feel different, not myself. Without her it’s hard to comprehend the meaning of that. This happens to other people not me, not my family. We are nobody’s. I just can’t understand why she had to go. That I will never know and no one will ever be able to explain it. That’s what truly controls my everyday mind. Why? She was a young beautiful woman… running. And she just died. She was just sitting in front of me at my house laughing over a bottle of wine. She had never looked better, did she come to my house to say goodbye. Why did she out of the blue buy a ticket and come see me, not like her. Why was she running, she had always worked out but not running. No offense to runners but we always made fun of that or maybe I did and that’s why she never told me. I just want to call her. If I ever needed her, she needed me, we were there for each other. How can I live up to being an only child. She was the good one, I was the bad one… why doesn’t she have to mourn our parents when they die, or why is she not here. I see people live the hardest lives and they are still living, she was working out and died, I guess I just want her back. Plain and simple
I had a man put a gun to my head at 8 years old.. I thought that was bad. But children are resilient. Adults are weak. She was the only person I told. Keri was my everything. I don’t know how to live without her.
Kami, I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you are left with so many questions. Hugs to you.