I’ve got a new post over on the elephant journal. One I’ve been wanting to write for awhile, about what it feels like to lose a brother or sister. Check it out here.
I’ve got a new post over on the elephant journal. One I’ve been wanting to write for awhile, about what it feels like to lose a brother or sister. Check it out here.
I lost my brother 5 years ago. I held him in my arms as he died in the hospital. I too was shocked to find so little written about the death of a sibling. I was expected to be strong for my parents. All I could think was that he had been the one person who knew me from birth and knew what life had been really like growing up in our home. I was so sad for a very long time. I hope he knew how much I loved him. Thank you for your words.
Susan
Hi Susan. I’m so sorry about your brother’s death. He was very lucky to have you there with him during his last moments. It sounds like he knew how much you loved him~ I think about that too with my brother. Wish I could tell him.
Well Becky died with a smile on her face firmly believing in Jesus!
She was asleep on the sofa of our parents house and Charlie, her husband slept on hype floor beside her! She suffered many years with Multiple Myoloma cancer. When we were younger she and I were up in the grainery of our Grandads farm. There was a hole in the upstairs floor and she fell through it 8feet below. I to this day feel that perhaps injuries she sustained then led to her demise!
Rationally now I didn’t cause her disease. I sleep every night beneath a quilt she made for me! She was a singer in her Catholic Church. Iam a songwriter singer 12 string guitar player. Almost famous once upon a time. Now just an old man recalling the good times!
My brother died the date you wrote this. I agree nothing is written about the lose of a sibling. There’s no support, it’s like we are supposed to just go on with life. He was my friend as my brother, I miss him dearly. We were always there for each other.
Dear M,
So sorry for your loss. And yes, it’s so hard when the loss of a sibling isn’t widely acknowledged. One thing I found lately is a Compassionate Friends group on Facebook– it’s called Compassionate Friends Sounds of the Siblings. You might want to check it out. Thinking of you, and thanks so much for writing.
I was doing some googling on loosing a sibling and came across your blog post. I lost my 22 year old brother in a car accident 2 weeks ago. My only sibling. Reading your post, there were so many things which I completely empathise with which I didn’t think anyone could understand and it’s comforting to know that someone else in a similar situation has experienced these emotions. Although I feel incredibly numb and in shock at the moment, I feel an incredible burden to stay alive and healthy for my parents, give them the grandchildren they want and be a success for the both of us. One thing which you mentioned which is going to be incredibly hard for me is not having a niece or nephew and for my children to not know the ‘Uncle Pete’ who I was so looking forward to introducing them to. I am scared for when the reality of all this sinks in and I know the pain will dull in time but I feel that I’m going to be so alone, my life long friend has gone and if anything happened to my parents I will be entirely alone, it helps to hear from other people who have gone through the same experiences and it’s a shame that there is not more writing on the topic as if we are the forgotten grievers – just adding to the feeling of desperate loneliness, this page will be something that I can look back on however and maybe take some comfort in the fact that I’m not alone.
Thank you, Anna (19)
Dear Anna, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your brother. It is so recent. My heart goes out to you, and I relate to everything you wrote. I agree there is a feeling of being a “forgotten griever,” and it does compound the pain and isolation. Please take good care of yourself. My thoughts are with you. <3
Dear Anna,
I am deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my brother and only sibling three years ago. The grieving process was very painful for me, as I’m sure it is for you. We and many others sit together on the mourning bench. I can only say that I hope and pray that you and your family are holding it together during this difficult time. I have a daughter and wish she could have met my brother; he would have been Uncle Mike. One never gets over a brother’s death, but I assure you that one can learn to live with it, somehow. My thoughts are with you during this time.
Anna – I am sorry for how you are feeling and what you are going through. It is so painful.
Lynn – thank you for the blog. I lost my sister suddenly. She died young and had 5 children at the time. She was my best friend. It was hard to find any help or understanding. I still grieve even though years have gone by. I still feel alone. My family and I arrived at a “new normal” and continue on. I have joy and happiness now and excitement to live (This took years) and also still loneliness for my sister, for needing her here. I know I will feel this forever but it will be ok.
Anna – it’s ok to laugh and cry. You will find joy and peace and a new normal in time.
Best, Debby
Dear Debby,
Thank you for your comment. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. I completely relate to the building of a “new normal.” It took years for me to find this too, and I do still miss my brother. My best to you and your family. Take good care.
Dear Lynn,
Thank you for putting up this blog.
My little brother, Eric (26) died suddenly of a cardiac arrest four weeks ago. He was as healthy as they come and the coroner’s report could not give my family any answers as to why his heart just decided to stop beating. He was with my parents and grandfather at the time, relaxing after dinner on the back deck. My mom noticed that he had become stiff and as an emergency room nurse, jumped into action to give him CPR. I received the phone call the next morning that he was gone and it’s been a whirlwind of emotions ever since.
I am two years older than Eric and if what they say is true about your memory only really kicking in after the age of four – well, Eric is in every memory that I’ve ever had. It’s so true what you said about wondering how you’ll tell your future children about your brother – how you could possibly do him justice and inspire your children with his own light.
As soon as I flew home to the west coast to be with my family, I received the same reactions and awkward words: “Be strong for your parents”. I have been strong but in some ways, I wonder if they’d like to see me lose it a little just to know if I’m hurting the same way that they are.
It’s only been four weeks and I can still see the scabs on my mom’s knees from when she gave Eric CPR with every ounce of strength only a momma-bear emergency room nurse could give. The horror story that my parents relive in their minds every day and the grief that they physically wear, exemplifies how you say in your blog about being, “in the shadow of your parents’ immense loss”. I know that this is not a competition about who hurts the most, but there are times when I need my parents to console me, but they are hurting so much that they can’t be there for me in that way.
I plan on following your lead and when I get back home to the East coast, to start seeing a grief counsellor. But in the meantime, I wanted to share my story, but more so, my thanks for your contribution of your blog on your brother’s passing. It’s currently the middle of another night that I’m having difficulty sleeping through, but reading your blog has given me a little more hope that with time, I will learn to accommodate this loss in my life and when people bring up Eric’s name, that there will be more smiles than tears.
Sincerely,
Stephanie
Dear Stephanie,
Thank you so much for your comment. I’m so very sorry for your loss and for the fresh, raw grief you must be in right now.
I’m so glad that you found some flicker of hope in reading my story. My loss is a long time out, and I like what you said– I’ve learned to accommodate it.
So glad also that you plan to see a grief counselor.
My very best to you, and thank you so much for reaching out to me.
Take care,
Lynn
I read this and it strikes so many chords. I lost my sister, suddenly, earlier this year. As I lived far away from her I go through patches of being OK and subconsciously kid myself she’s still there just a call away. The re-realization of what has happened is like hearing my father’s voice breaking the news to me all over again.
As she was my only sibling it is a very lonely feeling, they are supposed to be our companions through life. Thanks for writing this, it is good to know you are not alone.
Dan, I’m so sorry to hear about your sister’s death. My brother lived in another state when he died and that made it easy to sometimes pretend or feel like he was still alive. It’s such a brutal process, and as you said, lonely as well. My best to you, and take good care.
Hi Lynn. I found your page doing a search on the loss of a sibling. It’s true, there isn’t much out there. I’ve said the same thing, just in a different way about the “co-keeper of your childhood” I lost my brother, Daniel, almost 2 years ago. Even that is strange to type. I still am in disbelief. I think that helps with me functioning as a normal human being…disbelief, denial. It’s hard to fully accept. My only sibling. I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter when he passed away. He loved his niece so much, and I hate knowing that she may not remember him and that my newest baby would have no memory of him at all. Just the stories I tell are all they have and that hurts so bad. My oldest daughter has his same eyes, and my baby looks like he did as a baby. Everyone sees it and comments on it. Makes me sad and happy all at the same time. I try to write as well, when I’m having bad moments. I try to write about him, or to him and sometimes get frustrated when I can’t even come up with words to write. I searched for that group on facebook that you suggested to someone else. So thank you for that. I know everyone has different beliefs, but I met with an amazing medium and connected with my brother. It truly gave me comfort for a while. I mean, I still missing him beyond words but I try to rememeber the way I felt leaving that meeting, when I’m feeling down. Thank you for your words.
Dear Andrea, Thank you so much for your comment. I’m so sorry about the loss of your brother, Daniel. My heart goes out to you~ two years is not long in the world of grief. I can relate as my son looks soooo much like my brother. I hope you keep writing if it helps you process or find solace. That’s amazing about the medium. I have gone to a psychic but didn’t have the experience I was hoping for. I’m so glad it brought you comfort. My very best to you~ it can be so lonely and hard. Thanks again for writing.
I came across your article on the huffington post. First off I want to tell you I’m really sorry for your loss. The way you described everything and even his blue eyes, his loud laugh and all the things you were/are feeling really got to me. I’m known as an outgoing person and I also like to write, but it seems like I just couldn’t describe this feeling and after six years I stumbled upon something so beautifully written that describes every question and every feeling I have. I lost my brother six years ago when he was 21 and I was 17. He died in a car accident not very far from where we live. The car slipped, after that, another car hit his and his caught fire. Hearing about the autopsy report, we know that he didn’t suffer and that he was immediately gone by the impact from the steering weel on the head, but people tell stories and we still here such awful ones. That night I heard his friend dropping him off at the door and hurried to my bed, I was sick and he was always nagging about the fact I stayed up too late, I didn’t got to take that one last look at him or have that final conversation. From then on it often feels like I’m in some kind of bubble, like I’m not really there. I sometimes still think he’s laying on a beach somewhere, as he loved the sun so much. He was such a good person, had so many friends and was friendly to anyone that crossed his path. Those blue eyes and loud laugh you described is the same way I would describe my brother. He was my only sibling. I was young and was having some problems with school, he always tried to push me and we often argued about it. I can now see I’ve hurt him with all of it and that he was just trying to be more like a father figure to me, but it’s too late now, isn’t it. I now suffer from anxiety and I’m always having nightmares so I’m constantly tired during daytime. I’m really trying my best to act as normal as possible, after it happened I finished my high school degree and this year I would normally have my bachelor’s degree and sometimes I even feel normal for a second, but other times when I wake up I feel heavy. I feel like he really took half of my heart with him. Sometimes, I feel guilty in a way, he was kind of picture perfect and I was a little rebel back then. Also I felt like something was wrong that night, I had a strange feeling like something was going to happen but I could’nt put my finger on it, something I had never experienced before and I even told my mom when the doorbell rang that it was not going to be him and something terrible had happened. I still wonder why I didn’t said something about it, maybe I should have stopped him when I heard his friend dropping him off that night and him getting his car to leave again, he probably would’ve told me I was crazy, but still.. Tomorrow is the day he died six years ago and we always have his closest friends come over, while my mom makes something to eat. His best friend almost feels like family to me now and his -then- girlfriend is now my best friend, it’s strange how things can turn out. People tend to tell me their problems/ their story and don’t get me wrong I like to listen to them, but it’s nice to stumble upon an article of someone who shares mine for a change. Thank you.
Dear Hanne, thank you so much for writing. My brother was 21 too when he died. And I too wondered if I had just done things differently, if I could’ve prevented his death. It’s not your fault though, and it wasn’t mine either. I’m sorry you are struggling with anxiety and nightmares– I can relate. I hope you have good support around you~ it’s too hard of a journey to travel alone. Thank you for reading and for sharing your and your brother’s story. Take good care, especially during his anniversary. You are not alone. <3
I lost my only sibling last December. He was only 9 years old. Imagine your mom telling you she is pregnant when you are 15. I was in shock but completely happy and excited. Last September, the doctors found a rare spinal tumor. He went through radiation and surgery but the cancer ultimately took him in December. The year is coming up; there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him. He brought so much fun and laughter to everyone. His smile was contagious. He teased me all of the time about when he was ever going to be an uncle. I miss him everyday. You know people say pray about it or just know he is not suffering and is in a better place but it does not always help. It hurts. My heart breaks for my parents and for eveything my brother has and is going to miss.
Kaci, I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Lynn,
You have written so wonderfully about your feelings of love for your brother. I lost my brother 8 days ago. He was 88. I am 71. I know the grief you describe. I know the love. I am in the crying and crying days now, though I can pull myself together and feel more a part of life when I am with friends. My husband Helps me feel better. My golden retriever is an amazing comforter.
I was 11 when my father died. That was the single most influential event affecting my life. As I look back, God blessed me with 2 grown up brothers and an uncle who filled my Dad’s role in my life. So now I have lost one of my brothers. Though he was 88, it makes no difference. The loss feels so great.
Believe me, I am going to pour my love onto my surviving brother now. He may not be alive much longer. At age 86, he is being drained by Alzheimer’s disease.
I was not able to go to the funeral and I feel wretched about that. I hope to visit his resting place soon.
My eart reaches out to you Lynn. Es, our siblings are so important in our lives.deaths leave a big heart hole. God help us all in this life. I too pray . . . “Help me. Help me. Help me.”
Lynn,
You have written so wonderfully about your feelings of love for your brother. I lost my brother 8 days ago. He was 88. I am 71. I know the grief you describe. I know the love. I am in the crying and crying days now, though I can pull myself together and feel more a part of life when I am with friends. My husband Helps me feel better. My golden retriever is an amazing comforter.
I was 11 when my father died. That was the single most influential event affecting my life. As I look back, God blessed me with 2 grown up brothers and an uncle who filled my Dad’s role in my life. So now I have lost one of my brothers. Though he was 88, it makes no difference. The loss feels so great.
Believe me, I am going to pour my love onto my surviving brother now. He may not be alive much longer. At age 86, he is being drained by Alzheimer’s disease.
I was not able to go to the funeral and I feel wretched about that. I hope to visit his resting place soon.
My heart reaches out to you Lynn. YEs, our siblings are so important in our lives.deaths leave a big heart hole. God help us all in this life. I too pray . . . “Help me. Help me. Help me.”
Dear Jane,
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother, and also that your remaining brother is dealing with Alzheimer’s. So much heartbreak. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding me that even after a long life together, it is still so painful to lose a sibling. Wishing you much peace.
You are an angel!
I’ve just read your post and can so identify with your feelings. My older brother died two days ago aged 60. I was with him when he passed away, just as I was with my mum who died two years ago on the same day and almost the same time as my brother and also my dad who died in September 2013. Although I have a husband and grown up children I feel so alone now. I am the only sibling and the only remaining person from my birth family. I have no one now to share memories of my childhood with and memories of my mum and dad from when we were young. I am alternating between feeling numb and bouts of crying.
Dear Chris,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your older brother. That is a lot of loss in a short time– your brother and both parents. My heart goes out to you. There is something so elemental and special about our siblings, and our birth family. My thoughts are with you.
So sorry Chris. I lost my sister last (early 40s), I know what you mean about the loneliness. I am dreading having to bury my parents alone and losing that connection to childhood when they are gone. Take comfort in your family, all the best.
Hi Lynn,
Thank you for writing this article. Like so many others who have commented I was googling sibling grief etc. and there is so little said about adults who lose their siblings. I identify with a lot of what you say. I lost my 36 year old sister Zoe 2 and a half years ago to SUDEP (Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy). She was down visiting me and my parents for the weekend and we were to go shopping for my wedding dress. She went to bed happy and healthy and never woke up.
I miss her every day. I feel terrible saying this, but at first at times I felt almost bitter when everyone was talking about how awful it was for her boyfriend. I couldn’t help thinking, he’d known life without her and I never have. She’s been that constant friend throughout my life and the only person who knows and understands the foundations of my life. She was the person I would call and talk to or text when I was excited, fed up, worried etc. and sharing things with her made them alright. She just knew how my brain worked and I hers from the shared upbringing. I am married and my husband is wonderfully supportive, but he will never have that intrinsic understanding of who I am and how I think.
We too are a family of 4 – my parents, Zoe and I and the 3-legged chair comment really hit home. I feel we are all trying to stop it from wobbling and hold on a bit tighter to each other. I expect that one day I will be the last of that 4 left and that fills me with sadness.
I have an amazing 3 year old daughter who has helped me stay positive. She knows her Auntie Zoe in pictures and I have written stories and memories down for when she is older. She broke my heart recently when we were talking about her by saying “but she’s not real is she?”
I miss Zoe every day and I’m not sure I would want not to. I want to talk about her all the time and keep the memory alive of my wonderful vibrant and lovely sister.
Thanks again for writing your article. It is nice to know that others are experiencing similar feelings and recognise how little there is out there for grieving adult siblings.
Dear Anna,
SO sorry for this late response. I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister Zoe. Honestly, I can’t imagine going through sibling loss while also having a child to take care of. It makes sense that at the same time, your daughter helps you stay grounded.
I know what you mean when you talk about people feeling bad for Zoe’s boyfriend. People mean well mostly, but many just don’t get it or don’t adequately think before they talk!
Anyways, I truly appreciate your story and comments. Thank you, and my thoughts are with you.
Thank you so much for your article, Lynn! I lost my only brother 6 months ago in a tragic accident. He was 31. I so relate to what you said about being the only one that understood what it was like to grow up in your childhood home. I feel like half of me was ripped out…
Thank you for putting into words how I feel. Thank you for the hope that time helps to transform the pain and soften it. Thank you for sharing!
Hi Elizabeth,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother. Yes, I know that feeling like half of you has been ripped out. It’s so brutal. Thank goodness for time– it really helps a lot. Sending love and hope to you. Thank you for reaching out.
I’m Dave I’m 23 and live in London. I lost my brother 3 months ago, he was my best friend, the most important person in my life, he was 27. I am struggling to cope at the moment, knowing he’s not going to be involved in my life and in the future. He died from Drugs, he was on holiday in Vietnam, he bought drugs thinking it was cocaine but it was white heroin. I was the first to know so I had to tell my parents. Which was the hardest thing I’ve ever and will ever have to do. I read your article about the loss of your brother and it inspired me a lot as I could relate to it. It helps talking to people that have been through the same as me.
Hi Lynn,
I just discovered this article and I wanted to say thank you. Almost 3 years ago, I lost my younger brother, who was also my only sibling. He was 25 and I was 29. A friend of mine lost her brother as well, but she had a sister and I watched as they grew closer and had each other to lean on. All the feelings you described were and still are exactly how I feel – not having that person you grew up with who is the one person to understand your childhood, and who was supposed to be there throughout your life.
I am now getting married two weeks from now, and hope to have children myself one day soon. I feel so much sorrow knowing my children will never know their uncle or have any cousins on my side. I want them to know about him. I have had an outpouring of support from family and friends, but the pain is still very real. It comes in waves.
Your article truly spoke to me. There really is not much literature out there on losing adult siblings, and even less as specific to a younger brother and only sibling. My brother also died under similar circumstances. I find comfort in hearing experiences from others that I can relate to. Your experiences give me hope that I will one have my own family and I will see parts of him within my own children, and that the pain does ease.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Kayla
Vancouver, BC
Kayla
Kayla, I am so sorry for your loss. It truly is different when you lose your only sibling. It’s just a different scenario.
I know that feeling of big events like marriage bringing grief to the surface. I will say that my son, who is seven, and never met my brother, has been quite interested in my brother, who he looks like. So our siblings do go on sometimes, in such surprising ways.
It’s hard to believe there’s still so little about sibling loss– that was the case in 1999 when my brother died, and is still the case now. One of these days I hope to remedy that. My very best to you as you get ready to be married, and in the future. Take good care,
Lynn
Thank you so much, Lynn. And my condolences to you as well, I don’t think I said that in my first comment.
My wedding is in two days and I have found some meaningful ways to honour my brother on the day that feel right. Thank you again for your kind words.
That’s so nice, Kayla. I hope your wedding was just what you wanted it to be.
Thank you for your blog. There is so little support for the loss of a sibling. My sister passed away 2 years ago and she was my only sibling. It is so hard to understand how life works…how my mother-in-law still has her sister at 90 years old but she doesn’t even like her. I have friends who have 3-5 siblings, and I lost my only one. Of course I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but it is hard not to say, why me? Why her?
When my sister was diagnosed and struggling with cancer, I would pick up one of our family pictures…my mom, dad, who is deceased, my sister and me. I felt like Marty in “Back to the Future” and gazed as my dad and sister fade away before my eyes. I have never been an only child and I don’t know how to. It is hard to imagine being alone after I lose my mom. I am 50 and feel like a child. I was part of something warm and constant…the life force that created me and made me who I am…but someday it will only be me, just a small piece of a puzzle Without a sister to lean on when the time comes.
It does get easier of course. After 2 years, I can smile now when I see her picture, when I pass the greeting cards for sisters at the store, when I see her son; growing and becoming a responsible young man. I know she would be proud.
Losing a sibling is a great loss and I am glad that this is a place where we can share our sadness and our triumphs as we learn to live a new normal.
Hi Candace,
I know, I feel like there’s so little support for siblings as well. My heart goes out to you in the wake of your sister’s death. I’m glad you found this space, and I hope you know you’re so not alone.
Hi Lynn,
I have just discovered your site, and I am so grateful:-) I lost my brother, age 46, last January, to a Pulmonary Embolism and DVT blood clot. Shocking, horrible, and a huge loss to our family. Your words, along with the others, so describes my loss. We are so the forgotten grievers. He was a few years younger than me, and we were the two middle children, of four, so we were very close. The pain seems to be worse now, because the shock of the loss is over, but the waves of grief go on. Your description of the before and after, is so on the money. I feel as if I want an answer to when I will feel happy again, but there is no answer. Grief is like wearing an uncomfortable, itchy sweater. You just want to take it off! I still feel in disbelief, and find myself shaking my head because I just want someone to shake me and tell me that it was all a bad dream.
Our family is that table that is missing a leg. Seeing the emptiness and pain in my parents’ faces, just kills me. We have all aged years, but are leaning on each other as best as possible. Faith, family, and friends….
Thank you for posting such helpful information and support. Blessings, Donna
Hugs, Donna. I’m so sorry for your shocking loss. I remember that feeling of the grief intensifying as the shock wore off. So hard. Hugs to you.
Lynn, I’m very sorry about the loss of your brother. I lost my sister to cancer when I was 26 and she was 33. Over 25 years ago. I remember thinking back then why has no one written a book on this. I remember the grief group I went to and how they helped me but my loss seemed so different. Every thing you said hit home. Now I find the grief changing. Always there just below the surface. The kids have left the house, others have passed away and I wish I hadn’t spent so much time in my 20’s and 30’s grieving and directionless. Now, it feels like life is just beginning but where did the time go. But always thinking how different life would have been if my sister could have shared it with us. May we all stay strong as each day brings reminders and the loss we were given to live with for so many years. Thank you for your post. It really helped today.
Hi Barb, I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. Many hugs to you. Interesting how the grief changes over time. Thinking of you and sending love your way.