When I picked up the phone 16 years ago to the news that my brother was dead, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. He was my only sibling, the singular person who knew what it was like to grow up in our family. We were supposed to get a lifetime together, and instead, we got a short 21 years.
Following his death, I stumbled through months of shock. When the shock began to fall away, it was replaced with a harsher, bone-deep grief.
Sometimes it takes life whittling us down so far that we can become anew.
Submerging into the pain of my brother’s death brought me awake.
It connected me with suffering in a way I’d never experienced. Before, I’d felt pain, and even depression. But losing someone I didn’t think I could live without tenderized me. As the months piled into years, I came to see my loss as the worst, as well as one of the best, things that ever happened to me.
Here are some of the gifts I found amidst the devastation.
Connection. I went to grief groups where I sat across from an older man who’d wife had recently died. Despite his occasional racist outbursts, I connected with him because we were both grieving. Though our ages, genders and losses varied, we understood something about each other, because we knew what it felt like to miss someone so deeply.
I also made some new friends who were also grieving. While I temporarily fell away from some of my old friends, because they were dealing with college and boyfriend issues while I was just trying to get through each day. With my new friends, I could laugh about the dark, ridiculous moments of grief without them worrying I was losing my mind completely. When one of us complained about a friend not showing up for us during out hardest moments, we nodded our heads in sheer understanding.
And I wasn’t just connecting with new friends— I suddenly felt connected with everyone who had experienced a heartbreak, a tearing apart of the fabric of their life. Suffering is suffering. We all experience it. We all go through the darkness alone, and yet at the same time, we go through it with everyone else who has ever suffered.
Grief separates us, sequesters us, as the rest of the world tumbles on. And yet, it also can connect us deeply.
Expansion. When my brother died, it felt impossible to me. How could this happen to my family? To my brother? To me? Some bubble of protection that I hadn’t even known was there had burst, and I was left raw and exposed. If my brother could die, then so could I, my parents, my friends.
The idea that All The Bad Things can happen eventually spread into the idea that there was also no limit on positive things that might unfold. The universe is so much wider than what we see on a daily basis. The possibilities are infinite. Life happens, all the time—dust explodes into stars, cars collide, strangers’ eyes meet in a coffee shop—and everything is changed.
Mortality. When my brother died, it became all too easy to envision what my own death could look like. I saw it unfolding before my eyes—the obituary, the memorial service, the ravaged parents. It was almost too terrible to think about.
And yet, facing the fact that at 24, I was mortal, rearranged me. The deep knowing that life could—and would— end made me think about how I wanted my existence to be. Who were the people in my life worth truly investing in? What kind of work could I find that would fulfill me and also contribute something to the world?
There was something else, too. When I really admitted that I was just here on earth for a little while, I found I needed less. Discovering what is essential in life—love, relationships, health—makes it easy to identify the non-essentials.
Uncovering these gifts took time. Grief takes time, and perhaps never fully leaves—it softens, releases its harsh grip. But the gifts were there— waiting, patient, shimmering. May they be there for you, too.
Beautifully written, Lynn. I am sorry for your loss, but grateful you had the strength to share what that loss taught you.
Thank you, Anne Louise! I appreciate your comment! Take care.
I’m with you as far as the first part. Losing my brother destroyed me but I can’t imagine ever finding anything positive from this grief.
My brother was everything to me my entire life. Other relationships or gaining new ones isn’t important. The fact that life is short doesn’t make me want to live it to the fullest, it makes me not want to be in it, a world without my brother. It would have been better for me to have died and him to live. He had more to offer the world than me and he was stronger. I have realized what people in my life are worth investing my time in though, those few who understand my grief and don’t try to push me to “move on” with life. I don’t believe if I die I would be with my brother but it would end my suffering. I have to stay for my family and will be here to give my love to them, but now I worry constantly about something happening to another person I love……..
Hi Tamara. I’m so sorry you’re hurting so much. Can I ask you how long it’s been since your brother died?
Take good care. ~Lynn
My brother died suddenly May 24 2015. He was retired seal took excellent care of himself. Blocked artery. I loved him so much
I’m sorry Tamara. Still so recent for you. I do think it will get softer as time goes on. Take good care.
I hope so. I enjoy your blog so much.
Oh, thank you so much Tamara. That means a lot! Hugs.
Thank you for your words, I came looking for solace today from sisters who had lost brothers, such a unique relationship. I lost my brother two months ago and still whirling. Loved “our 4 legged table lost s leg” that’s how i feel xxx
Hi Kylie, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. You are not alone, though it’s such a lonely process. Hugs to you.
Well said and written beautifully. Yesterday marks the 1 year anniversary of the death of my 20 year old sister. You found the words to describe what I have been silently suppressing, since she fell ill, years ago.
Scars that run this deep will never really fade. It’s part of me, it’s part of my parents, and my remaining siblings.
Over time, we learn coping skills and different strategies to help us forget.
For me, I try to live for my sister. Every challenge that I come across in life, I see as an opportunity. I try to live the life that my sister never had a chance to live. I try to value the little things. I always take chances.
And I try to remember that even though the pain and loss are sometimes unbearable, I am lucky to alive.
Linds, so sorry for the loss of your sister. I love your philosophy, and I took a similar one after my brother died. I know our siblings would want us to have the best life possible. Thank you for your comment, and take good care.
Found your article on huffington post & led me to this blog. I’m 21 & lost my 25 y/o brother to a heroin overdose on thanksgiving, just a few weeks ago. Your article really hit home with me, as does this post. So many things you said are relatable, and I suppose that’s what I was searching for. I keep having to remind myself that he’s dead because it still doesn’t even seem real. I lost much more than a brother, he was my best friend, mentor, and my second half. I feel very empty right now and the past few weeks have been an absolute blur. One minute we got the news then the next thing I know tons of people are coming up to me saying “sorry for your loss” or “be strong for your mom” at the visitation. It’s really impossible for me to put into words what I’m feeling. Anger, depression, regret, sorrow, loneliness.. but I also feel the need to continue on life for the both of us. It still feels like I can send him a text message or call him and see how he’s doing. I’m starting to realize that this will never end, and eventually the pain will simply numb. It’s weird to say thank you, but knowing I’m not alone in this story sort of helps.
Jacob, I’m so sorry. I know the feeling of realizing you need to carry on for both of you, but it’s so very hard at times. The pain will change with time. I’m so sorry you’re part of the club no one wants to join, but glad you found this site.
Dear Lynn,
I still feel sorry for Will’s death. I have no words to console you. Although it’s been more than 15 years now, but the pain stays in heart forever. I lost my brother exact 8 months ago. I was 23 and he was 25 when he passed away.
And just after a day when he passed away I read one of your posts. It really gave me chills and now I searched the write up and read it. Lynn, you are very strong. Since, I know what it feels to lose your only sibling.
Anyway, please take care of yourself and your husband and kids.
Regards,
Kavita Chakravorty
India
Dear Kavita, thank you so much for your message. I am so sorry to hear of your brother’s death. Thank you for reaching out even as you are still in those early days of your loss. Thinking of you, and sending peace.
Oh gosh 6 weeks for me, I found my only sibling age 44 at home suspected abuse of drugs. I am yet unable to return to work, overwhelming self destructive grief. I came across your blog by accident so glad you are able to share your journey Lynn as there seems little self help out there. Stay strong xx
Oh Molly, I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending love your way. Take good care.
Lynn,
My goodness! Am I reading a mirror. I lost my brother 6 years ago to suicide and in googling sibling loss today found your post on Huffington. I couldn’t help but gasp when you said the part about looking all around for reading material on adult sibling loss. I can remember the same when I lost my brother and finding extremely little in that topic as well. I began blogging just last year as a way of being a voice for just that topic. I am so pleased to see you as doing the same. This post rings so true in my life. There is such a bond you have with those who are suffering after such a loss. I feel it with even you and have never even met face to face. It’s as if I know you know and understand and that is what connects us. It really is such a gift. Check out my latest blog post http://www.dollejourney.com where I write a bit on my 6 year anniversary of my brothers death. Thank you for your voice. Much love to you on your journey.
Hi there~ thank you so much for your comment. I will check out your blog as well! I agree, there is a huge bond for all of us in this situation. And so surprising that there is still so little support for grieving siblings. Thank you so much for reaching out. Take good care.
Lost my only brother to an addiction to alcohol in March. Can so relate to the emptiness…feel like I am constantly on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Haunted by ‘woulda shoulda coulda’ thoughts and the finality of it all. It gives me a little comfort knowing others feel my grief…Thank you for the blog
Dear Kim, I’m so sorry for your loss. You are not alone, though it can be a lonely journey. Take good care.
I lost a sister today ,as if I lost my second mother , she died at 33 , survived by two children , boy at 6 and girl at 10 , for most of her life she didn’t got an eazy life , goddamn cancer , yesterday we were laughing together , today I buried her with my brothers and an old father , when she was around the age of 12 , she used to clean me up tuck me in my bed , and we became friends when I grow up to be a man , I’m from mid east and here we don’t have grief groups , and for an atheist like me it’s driving me nuts !!! , so I look up for something on the internet and I find your post , thanks so much your words , your words brought peace in my heart… Thank you…
Dear Mo, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your sister. I’m also sorry to hear you don’t have grief groups where you live. That must be very hard. I’m not sure if you’re on Facebook, but I recommend this group on Facebook for siblings dealing with loss. I’m so glad you found my words and that they brought you a bit of comfort. My best to you. Take good care.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/21358475781/
I lost my little brother two weeks ago to a heroin overdose and I’m not doing very well, although I have no choice being that my daughter is very young and needs me to take care of her and be a good mom. I’m so incredibly sad and I can’t stop thinking about it. I hate everyone for not knowing how much this hurts and saying be strong. Even my mom says it to me and I don’t want to hear that. I’m 33 and he was only 24. I always treated him more like a son than a brother and thought if I told him everyday how much I loved him he would be ok. I already lost my Dad to cancer 8 years ago..It’s just not fair, life seems to be filled with more pain and suffering for some people than others and I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy again.
Jill, so sorry for your loss. It is totally typical that you can’t stop thinking about it. I’m sorry people are telling you to stay strong~ I remember hearing those words and how upsetting they were for me. I’m so sorry that you lost your dad as well. Know you are not alone– there are so many of us going through this. The pain gets softer, but it takes time. Thinking of you.
Wow this is exactly what i was looking for/needed. my only sibling, also a younger brother who died from a heroin overdose, is so recent. 6 days ago. i will be revisiting these words because they can hardly sink in right now. thank you.
Toni, I’m so sorry for your loss. My very best to you. I’ve been where you are. <3
Last year on my birthday (39) I got my first speeding ticket in 18 years, I thought “man what kind of year is this going to be? This year is going to suck!”. Then, on leap day my only sibling, older brother, crashed his motorcycle in front of our family business and dies. He left behind a 4 year old little girl. Recently I turned (40) and I am forced to look back on the worst year of my life. I have a new baby due in a couple weeks. The loss of my brother has hindered the joy of my new child. I regret not being here for my family has they need me, but I am just numb and wandering thru life. I feel forgotten and like he has been forgotten too. It is so hard to eat, sleep and work. I hate having to look down the street and see where you crashed everyday.
I know I am not alone, that is what has brought me here. Just desperate to feel like I am okay and I am doing right by his honor. I miss you Ben. I hope me coming here can in some weird way help someone else see they are not alone.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother. It totally makes sense that you feel numb and that your grief is overshadowing the excitement of a new baby. Hang in there.
Hi Lynn
We just lost our younger sister in a tragic accident while she was on a mother daughter vacation with her 15 year old daughter. My older brother is battling brain cancer and I keep hearing “be the rock for your parents and your family.” I’m trying, but I’m suffering. Your analogy to the “four legged table” was spot on. I feel we lost one leg and another is broken. I’m trying to balance the table for my sisters family and my brothers as well. My parents need help and my wife and kids need me as well. Thank you for the blog. A friend referred me to it and will look to it often. Peace, David
Hi David,
I’m so sorry for both the loss of your sister and your brother’s cancer. That is more than anyone should have to bear. And I believe it’s not fair or even possible for people to expect us to “Be strong” or “Be the rock” during such times. Thinking of you and your family as you navigate this awful time.